just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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