I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
