I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
i now understand why vodka
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
