so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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