Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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