Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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