Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
