I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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