Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I need moral support for this bender
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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