She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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