sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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