so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
