i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
