Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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