Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
