Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
