Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
