I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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