her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
