Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
