Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
