Pregnant stripper...not hot.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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