Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
