I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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