the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
