dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
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That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
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He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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