I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
