I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
