What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15