you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
