this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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