Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
