we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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