I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
