I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
