Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
