I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
