Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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