i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
