2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
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I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
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You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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