I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Randomize
