It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
