yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
