Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
