Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
