Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
