Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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