im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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