how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
