I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
