spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
