I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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