I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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