frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
