Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
