so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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